Parenthood

So lately I've been struggling a little bit from a "mom" perspective. I just seem to be in one of those places where no matter what I do for my three little loves, nothing feels good enough. And on top of that, two out of three of my loves seem to prefer daddy these days, which I know I shouldn't be taking personally, but let's face it, my feelings are hurt. Last week on our February "stay-cation" we took E and J skiing for the day.  Excited for this adventure as it was J's very first time on skis, my mood was good that morning.  But by the time we reached the diner for breakfast I found myself sitting at the table, snapping at all of them, and pouting a little myself. Immature??? Maybe. Yet, this small moment where the two of them were arguing over who got to sit next to daddy just pushed me over the edge. All I could think was, "Really?! I'm the one who makes your lunches, makes sure your days are filled with fun, takes you to the doctor when you are sick, greets you with a smile when you walk out of school, makes sure to have your favorite snack, grew you inside my body for nine months, (I could go on :)) and nobody wants to sit next to me?!" Sure it might have been petty and childish at the time, and when I was able to step back and think about it all, I can say my reaction could have been different. Yet it doesn't change the fact that I find myself at a real crossroads, or place of transition, with both E and J.

My struggle with E, now in first grade, seems to be allowing her to have more control and myself less. She has grown so much this year and is truly becoming her own person, with her own opinions, her own likes and dislikes. And while I feel like there are certain things that I should allow her to express or explore herself, I also feel like she is only six, and I am her mom. Gone are the days of wearing dresses that I picked out for her, making her for dinner what I want her to eat, or signing her up for activities that I think she should try. At the end of the day, my little girl is growing up and what I'm learning is that it is better for us to grow together than grow apart.  This requires me to pick and choose my battles, give a little on things that aren't SO important, while still reminding her that my job as her mom is to make sure that I am doing my best by her. So if wearing a top from Justice instead of Crewcuts makes her happy, so be it! E....I love your kind heart, your sensitivity, your sweetness and quiet sparkle.

Then there is my "love boy." Amazing and delicious and funny and full of personality, he has also challenged me in ways that I have never been challenged this past year.  Since the arrival of his baby brother, J has definitely been finding his place, doing a lot of growing up himself and adjusting to our new family of five. While he loves Z, it has definitely been a bumpy road the past ten months, but mostly between he and I. He has taught me to think before I act, to validate his feelings even if I think he is wrong and to dig deep to find patience and calm in moments where it seems impossible. I am so proud of both of them in so many ways, cause they have made such tremendous leaps this past year.  Maybe it's time for me to do some growing up myself......

However, you can't help as a mom but think about whether or not you are doing you're best on a daily basis.  Thanks to my yoga teachers C and D, I have learned that my "best" is not always the same, it is subjective and contextual.  I have learned that my "best" is being able to keep all parts of my life in check and balancing all areas with ease and effort. It is a real effort to not allow the guilt to creep in on a daily basis that I'm not being everything to all three of them. Some days are better than others and that is to be expected.  At the end of the day, as long as they feel loved, I am doing my best!

I also have to say thanks again to my amazing husband for being my partner in these moments, calling me out when I'm wrong, supporting me when it's hard, and loving me through it all.  Happy birthday Greg(3-2-13)...the kids can't wait to celebrate their daddy!

"What Do You Love About Music?"

In the words of Russell Hammond, "To begin with, Everything!" (An all time favorite go to movie for me)

Music has this incredible ability to transport you to another time and place....to make you feel emotions that maybe you didn't even know were at the surface for you...to make you dance and move...to teach...to add amazing energy to our world. I love when I hear a song and it brings me back to a memory that I might have forgotten for a long time. Edie Brikell and Blues Traveler bring me back to my high school days, hanging with my girls.  Hearing Alicia Keyes "No One" I see my 2 year old Emma singing it in her carseat driving down the West Side Highway. Motown always makes me think of my dad. And being someone who doesn't have the best memory, I do find that songs are one way that I recollect times past. I love how music brings people together that probably on any given day are very different, but in that moment of experiencing a musicians' talents, the audience all shares that common bond. Music makes you feel...makes you think...makes you move.

I watched the Grammy Awards on Sunday night and thought it was a pretty good show overall. The highlights for me were...

• John Mayer. Those of you who know me well know that I "heart" JM (really bad jacket/bow tie and all). But I gotta say, I don't get him and Katy Perry at all
• Taylor Swift looked amazing and I loved her energy for all the other artists performing. There is something cool about seeing a musician really enjoying other musicians music.
• Mumford & Sons were awesome....love them
• Tribute to Levon Helm..."The Weight" was very cool
• Adele is just awesome and so sweet
• Loved seeing The Lumineers perform Ho Hey

I have to give props to my brother Matt, to Greg, and my brother-in-law Danny for expanding my music world. They have introduced me to songs and artists that I never would have explored on my own. I'd like to give a huge shout out to Twiddle, a Vermont based band, that I have only been lucky enough to know and listen to because of my brother. One of Matt's closest and best friends, Mickey, is the lead vocalist/guitar player for the band. An incredibly talented songwriter and an obvious passion for music, Mickey has given me such an incredible gift of remembering my brother in such a special and heartwarming way.  Not only has he written songs about Matt, but they are so spot on and sung with such amazing energy, that I can only smile when I listen to them. This is when I feel happy and connected to my brother. So Mickey, if you happen to read this, thank you. I love belting out Hattibagen McRat at the top of my lungs while driving in my car.

For those of you who might want a new artist or song in your musical repertoire this is my most recent playlist:

• I Will Wait- Mumford & Sons
• Ho Hey- The Lumineers
• It's Time- Imagine Dragons
• You Ain't Alone- Alabama Shakes
• 6 Weeks- James Morrison
• Gravity- John Mayer
• One Voice Together- Martin Sexton
• You Are The Best Thing- Ray LaMontagne
• When it Rains it Poors- Twiddle
• Right as Rain- Adele
• Some Roads Lead Home- Bela Fleck
• I Shall Be Released- Bob Dylan
• The Weight- The Band
• Tennessee Jed- Grateful Dead
• Daydream Farmer- Twiddle
• Flowers in Your Hair- The Lumineers
• Wishlist- Pearl Jam
• When I Was Your Man- Bruno Mars

And for those of you feeling the love today...Happy Valentine's Day! As JM says it, "Love is a Verb":)

Feel free to "commet" and tell me your favorite tunes these days....

Surprise

Life is full of surprises...some good and some bad. Last weekend I planned a good surprise. Greg and I were long overdue for a night away, so I planned something. I surprised him at work, bags packed, and while only 30 minutes from home, arriving at the Crosby Street Hotel felt like another world. First I need to just talk about how unbelievably gorgeous and amazing this place is! Having recently become design obsessed, I didn't know where to look first in this beautifully decorated lobby. Everywhere you turned there was something interesting and pretty to look at....a neutral palette with pops of color and texture. There was incredible artwork (specifically the huge three dimensional sculpture of a face made of letters), awesome light fixtures, vibrant colors and spectacular windows. I was in awe of the lobby and couldn't wait to see what the room was going to look like.  We got off the elevator and proceeded down the wallpapered hallway to our room. Having looked at the website, I had some idea of what it would look like but also knew that every room is decorated differently. The color scheme of our room was yellow and grey (pretty popular now) and perfection in every way. Everything from the print on the headboard to the lamps to the cool window treatments framing a huge window overlooking Crosby Street was just amazing. Definitely a new favorite spot of mine!

On another note, I was thinking about the importance of nights like this one. Greg and I had 24 hours of uninterrupted quality time together. I know, you're thinking to yourself, 24 hours? Really? You're psyched about twenty-four hours? But when you have three little kids, work and travel obligations, school functions, sports games, house responsibilities, time with friends, time with family, the list goes on....twenty-four uninterrupted hours is sometimes hard to come by! We began our night with some apps and drinks at one of our favorite go to spots on Mullberry Street (thanks Danny), Parm. Had some delicious ricotta and toast, salad, brussel sprouts and beers. We sat at the bar, chatted it up with the people who worked there, caught up about our days and then headed out to a couple of neighborhood bars before going for dinner. Four restaurants/bars and many drinks later I was reminded of what life was like when it was just the two of us, living in the city and how far we have come since then. While I  definitely miss those days, I am so incredibly grateful for the life we have created for ourselves now....3 amazing kids, a place we are happy to call home that we have put so much love and thought into, friends and family that continue to be a huge part of our lives and so much more. And of course grateful that we are able to step back and recognize when it's important to take time for us, and to be truly present with one another when given that gift of time. We have learned the hard way that time truly is a gift and never something to be taken for granted. So maybe next time we get away it will be for longer, but for right now, I am relishing in the twenty-four hours that we had in the city that never sleeps!