Parenthood

So lately I've been struggling a little bit from a "mom" perspective. I just seem to be in one of those places where no matter what I do for my three little loves, nothing feels good enough. And on top of that, two out of three of my loves seem to prefer daddy these days, which I know I shouldn't be taking personally, but let's face it, my feelings are hurt. Last week on our February "stay-cation" we took E and J skiing for the day.  Excited for this adventure as it was J's very first time on skis, my mood was good that morning.  But by the time we reached the diner for breakfast I found myself sitting at the table, snapping at all of them, and pouting a little myself. Immature??? Maybe. Yet, this small moment where the two of them were arguing over who got to sit next to daddy just pushed me over the edge. All I could think was, "Really?! I'm the one who makes your lunches, makes sure your days are filled with fun, takes you to the doctor when you are sick, greets you with a smile when you walk out of school, makes sure to have your favorite snack, grew you inside my body for nine months, (I could go on :)) and nobody wants to sit next to me?!" Sure it might have been petty and childish at the time, and when I was able to step back and think about it all, I can say my reaction could have been different. Yet it doesn't change the fact that I find myself at a real crossroads, or place of transition, with both E and J.

My struggle with E, now in first grade, seems to be allowing her to have more control and myself less. She has grown so much this year and is truly becoming her own person, with her own opinions, her own likes and dislikes. And while I feel like there are certain things that I should allow her to express or explore herself, I also feel like she is only six, and I am her mom. Gone are the days of wearing dresses that I picked out for her, making her for dinner what I want her to eat, or signing her up for activities that I think she should try. At the end of the day, my little girl is growing up and what I'm learning is that it is better for us to grow together than grow apart.  This requires me to pick and choose my battles, give a little on things that aren't SO important, while still reminding her that my job as her mom is to make sure that I am doing my best by her. So if wearing a top from Justice instead of Crewcuts makes her happy, so be it! E....I love your kind heart, your sensitivity, your sweetness and quiet sparkle.

Then there is my "love boy." Amazing and delicious and funny and full of personality, he has also challenged me in ways that I have never been challenged this past year.  Since the arrival of his baby brother, J has definitely been finding his place, doing a lot of growing up himself and adjusting to our new family of five. While he loves Z, it has definitely been a bumpy road the past ten months, but mostly between he and I. He has taught me to think before I act, to validate his feelings even if I think he is wrong and to dig deep to find patience and calm in moments where it seems impossible. I am so proud of both of them in so many ways, cause they have made such tremendous leaps this past year.  Maybe it's time for me to do some growing up myself......

However, you can't help as a mom but think about whether or not you are doing you're best on a daily basis.  Thanks to my yoga teachers C and D, I have learned that my "best" is not always the same, it is subjective and contextual.  I have learned that my "best" is being able to keep all parts of my life in check and balancing all areas with ease and effort. It is a real effort to not allow the guilt to creep in on a daily basis that I'm not being everything to all three of them. Some days are better than others and that is to be expected.  At the end of the day, as long as they feel loved, I am doing my best!

I also have to say thanks again to my amazing husband for being my partner in these moments, calling me out when I'm wrong, supporting me when it's hard, and loving me through it all.  Happy birthday Greg(3-2-13)...the kids can't wait to celebrate their daddy!