Parenthood

So lately I've been struggling a little bit from a "mom" perspective. I just seem to be in one of those places where no matter what I do for my three little loves, nothing feels good enough. And on top of that, two out of three of my loves seem to prefer daddy these days, which I know I shouldn't be taking personally, but let's face it, my feelings are hurt. Last week on our February "stay-cation" we took E and J skiing for the day.  Excited for this adventure as it was J's very first time on skis, my mood was good that morning.  But by the time we reached the diner for breakfast I found myself sitting at the table, snapping at all of them, and pouting a little myself. Immature??? Maybe. Yet, this small moment where the two of them were arguing over who got to sit next to daddy just pushed me over the edge. All I could think was, "Really?! I'm the one who makes your lunches, makes sure your days are filled with fun, takes you to the doctor when you are sick, greets you with a smile when you walk out of school, makes sure to have your favorite snack, grew you inside my body for nine months, (I could go on :)) and nobody wants to sit next to me?!" Sure it might have been petty and childish at the time, and when I was able to step back and think about it all, I can say my reaction could have been different. Yet it doesn't change the fact that I find myself at a real crossroads, or place of transition, with both E and J.

My struggle with E, now in first grade, seems to be allowing her to have more control and myself less. She has grown so much this year and is truly becoming her own person, with her own opinions, her own likes and dislikes. And while I feel like there are certain things that I should allow her to express or explore herself, I also feel like she is only six, and I am her mom. Gone are the days of wearing dresses that I picked out for her, making her for dinner what I want her to eat, or signing her up for activities that I think she should try. At the end of the day, my little girl is growing up and what I'm learning is that it is better for us to grow together than grow apart.  This requires me to pick and choose my battles, give a little on things that aren't SO important, while still reminding her that my job as her mom is to make sure that I am doing my best by her. So if wearing a top from Justice instead of Crewcuts makes her happy, so be it! E....I love your kind heart, your sensitivity, your sweetness and quiet sparkle.

Then there is my "love boy." Amazing and delicious and funny and full of personality, he has also challenged me in ways that I have never been challenged this past year.  Since the arrival of his baby brother, J has definitely been finding his place, doing a lot of growing up himself and adjusting to our new family of five. While he loves Z, it has definitely been a bumpy road the past ten months, but mostly between he and I. He has taught me to think before I act, to validate his feelings even if I think he is wrong and to dig deep to find patience and calm in moments where it seems impossible. I am so proud of both of them in so many ways, cause they have made such tremendous leaps this past year.  Maybe it's time for me to do some growing up myself......

However, you can't help as a mom but think about whether or not you are doing you're best on a daily basis.  Thanks to my yoga teachers C and D, I have learned that my "best" is not always the same, it is subjective and contextual.  I have learned that my "best" is being able to keep all parts of my life in check and balancing all areas with ease and effort. It is a real effort to not allow the guilt to creep in on a daily basis that I'm not being everything to all three of them. Some days are better than others and that is to be expected.  At the end of the day, as long as they feel loved, I am doing my best!

I also have to say thanks again to my amazing husband for being my partner in these moments, calling me out when I'm wrong, supporting me when it's hard, and loving me through it all.  Happy birthday Greg(3-2-13)...the kids can't wait to celebrate their daddy!

"What Do You Love About Music?"

In the words of Russell Hammond, "To begin with, Everything!" (An all time favorite go to movie for me)

Music has this incredible ability to transport you to another time and place....to make you feel emotions that maybe you didn't even know were at the surface for you...to make you dance and move...to teach...to add amazing energy to our world. I love when I hear a song and it brings me back to a memory that I might have forgotten for a long time. Edie Brikell and Blues Traveler bring me back to my high school days, hanging with my girls.  Hearing Alicia Keyes "No One" I see my 2 year old Emma singing it in her carseat driving down the West Side Highway. Motown always makes me think of my dad. And being someone who doesn't have the best memory, I do find that songs are one way that I recollect times past. I love how music brings people together that probably on any given day are very different, but in that moment of experiencing a musicians' talents, the audience all shares that common bond. Music makes you feel...makes you think...makes you move.

I watched the Grammy Awards on Sunday night and thought it was a pretty good show overall. The highlights for me were...

• John Mayer. Those of you who know me well know that I "heart" JM (really bad jacket/bow tie and all). But I gotta say, I don't get him and Katy Perry at all
• Taylor Swift looked amazing and I loved her energy for all the other artists performing. There is something cool about seeing a musician really enjoying other musicians music.
• Mumford & Sons were awesome....love them
• Tribute to Levon Helm..."The Weight" was very cool
• Adele is just awesome and so sweet
• Loved seeing The Lumineers perform Ho Hey

I have to give props to my brother Matt, to Greg, and my brother-in-law Danny for expanding my music world. They have introduced me to songs and artists that I never would have explored on my own. I'd like to give a huge shout out to Twiddle, a Vermont based band, that I have only been lucky enough to know and listen to because of my brother. One of Matt's closest and best friends, Mickey, is the lead vocalist/guitar player for the band. An incredibly talented songwriter and an obvious passion for music, Mickey has given me such an incredible gift of remembering my brother in such a special and heartwarming way.  Not only has he written songs about Matt, but they are so spot on and sung with such amazing energy, that I can only smile when I listen to them. This is when I feel happy and connected to my brother. So Mickey, if you happen to read this, thank you. I love belting out Hattibagen McRat at the top of my lungs while driving in my car.

For those of you who might want a new artist or song in your musical repertoire this is my most recent playlist:

• I Will Wait- Mumford & Sons
• Ho Hey- The Lumineers
• It's Time- Imagine Dragons
• You Ain't Alone- Alabama Shakes
• 6 Weeks- James Morrison
• Gravity- John Mayer
• One Voice Together- Martin Sexton
• You Are The Best Thing- Ray LaMontagne
• When it Rains it Poors- Twiddle
• Right as Rain- Adele
• Some Roads Lead Home- Bela Fleck
• I Shall Be Released- Bob Dylan
• The Weight- The Band
• Tennessee Jed- Grateful Dead
• Daydream Farmer- Twiddle
• Flowers in Your Hair- The Lumineers
• Wishlist- Pearl Jam
• When I Was Your Man- Bruno Mars

And for those of you feeling the love today...Happy Valentine's Day! As JM says it, "Love is a Verb":)

Feel free to "commet" and tell me your favorite tunes these days....

Surprise

Life is full of surprises...some good and some bad. Last weekend I planned a good surprise. Greg and I were long overdue for a night away, so I planned something. I surprised him at work, bags packed, and while only 30 minutes from home, arriving at the Crosby Street Hotel felt like another world. First I need to just talk about how unbelievably gorgeous and amazing this place is! Having recently become design obsessed, I didn't know where to look first in this beautifully decorated lobby. Everywhere you turned there was something interesting and pretty to look at....a neutral palette with pops of color and texture. There was incredible artwork (specifically the huge three dimensional sculpture of a face made of letters), awesome light fixtures, vibrant colors and spectacular windows. I was in awe of the lobby and couldn't wait to see what the room was going to look like.  We got off the elevator and proceeded down the wallpapered hallway to our room. Having looked at the website, I had some idea of what it would look like but also knew that every room is decorated differently. The color scheme of our room was yellow and grey (pretty popular now) and perfection in every way. Everything from the print on the headboard to the lamps to the cool window treatments framing a huge window overlooking Crosby Street was just amazing. Definitely a new favorite spot of mine!

On another note, I was thinking about the importance of nights like this one. Greg and I had 24 hours of uninterrupted quality time together. I know, you're thinking to yourself, 24 hours? Really? You're psyched about twenty-four hours? But when you have three little kids, work and travel obligations, school functions, sports games, house responsibilities, time with friends, time with family, the list goes on....twenty-four uninterrupted hours is sometimes hard to come by! We began our night with some apps and drinks at one of our favorite go to spots on Mullberry Street (thanks Danny), Parm. Had some delicious ricotta and toast, salad, brussel sprouts and beers. We sat at the bar, chatted it up with the people who worked there, caught up about our days and then headed out to a couple of neighborhood bars before going for dinner. Four restaurants/bars and many drinks later I was reminded of what life was like when it was just the two of us, living in the city and how far we have come since then. While I  definitely miss those days, I am so incredibly grateful for the life we have created for ourselves now....3 amazing kids, a place we are happy to call home that we have put so much love and thought into, friends and family that continue to be a huge part of our lives and so much more. And of course grateful that we are able to step back and recognize when it's important to take time for us, and to be truly present with one another when given that gift of time. We have learned the hard way that time truly is a gift and never something to be taken for granted. So maybe next time we get away it will be for longer, but for right now, I am relishing in the twenty-four hours that we had in the city that never sleeps!

#3

There is something about the #3 that I love....something that feels balanced and just right...and it got me thinking. Most importantly, I have 3 kids.....whenever I kiss my kids goodnight, the kisses come in a group of 3....Greg and I have lived in 3 homes together...when i buy multiple presents for someone, it always has to be 3 (not 2 or 4)....i have 3 stacks of books on my coffee table...there are 3 big pillows on my bed...Jax's birthday is April 3rd...and lastly, the one I want to focus on, are the 3 bodies of yoga, which my teacher recently spoke a lot about in class.

The Hatha yoga system proposes that there are three major bodies through which the soul permeates-- the physical body, the astral body and the causal body. The physical body refers to just that...your actual body as you experience it in birth, growth, change and death. The physical body is also one that in this day and age, is given a lot of attention to, both in positive and negative ways.  On the plus side, one's physical health is highlighted greatly now by society at large. What better example than the First lady, Michelle Obama's, "Let's Move" initiative to combat childhood obesity. Then of course there are television shows like The Biggest Loser that are getting people to bring attention to their health and physical body in a supportive and healthy way. However, with this tremendous amount of positive attention also comes a lot of pressure on men and women and even children to look a certain way. But from a yoga perspective, I'd like to highlight the physical body in the way of really thinking about and paying attention to how your body moves and supports your day to day actions. Just the other day in class, my yoga teacher C spent an entire class just talking about our feet...really feeling our feet. Did you know that you have 26 bones in your foot? Bringing this kind of attention to your body is not only fascinating, but also made me think how grateful and lucky I am to have a body that is healthy. I have a physical body that is able to do so much, and there are so many people who can't necessarily do simple day to day activities. And with this attention to move my physical body that way that I do in yoga, I am also able to tap in to physical strength, which is truly connected to my mental strength. When I have a moment in class where I feel like I just can't hold a pose for a second longer, because it physically feels like I can't, I am reminded that the phrase "mind over matter" is real.

The astral body, or the subtle body, is related to the mind and body chakra system. There are seven chakras, or energy centers, in the body. These points of energy are associated with particular functions within the body and with specific life issues and the way we handle them...within ourselves and in our interactions with the world. Basically, (without getting into the nitty gritty),  in life, you need to know when to work outward and when to work inward. And maybe you are somewhere in between. I am definitely finding that big transitional things that happen in my life make me think about this very idea. Where do I need to put  my attention in the present moment?

Lastly is the casual body, which contains the soul and your connection to a power higher than you. This is a spiritual idea that raises a lot of questions, a lot of thoughts, and a lot of opinions. Is there a God? Do you believe that there is a power bigger and higher than you? Is there more to this life then what we are experiencing here on this Earth? Given all that I've experienced in my 34 years of life, combined with my commitment to my yoga practice, I've definitely given this a lot of thought. So where do I stand? Well, it's definitely something I am continuing to figure out about myself, but I will say this...I believe that there is more than this life. I believe that those people in my life that I have loved and I have lost are having new experiences somewhere else, and I believe that if you really take the time to notice yourself and your surroundings, their energies and presence can be felt in the most loving and reassuring ways. Everything might just happen for a reason, it's understanding the reason that's the hard part sometimes....

Namaste.

Girls

I've gotta be honest and say that I do watch a fair amount of reality TV, but the new HBO hit series Girls is getting me out of my reality rut. The Golden Globes on Sunday and the season 2 premiere have given the show a tremendous amount of hype, and in my opinion, all well deserved. Lena Dunham has created a show that portrays life as twenty somethings living in New York City with such honesty and raw emotion. She has created a character in Hannah that totally resonates with me, and I'm sure many others, and brought me back to my days of living in NYC with my childhood best friend. 

I love how real Hannah is. I love how she speaks her mind, that she goes after what she wants. I love her sense of humor about herself and about others. Really inspiring. And I have to give props to Lena Dunham for owning who she is in a physical sense as well.  She is giving her audience a true perspective of women and their bodies and acknowledges Hannah's dichotomy of her struggle with her weight as well as her confidence in herself. The tone, mood and humor of the show leave you wanting to watch again, to see how this awesome character evolves into who she is meant to be.

In episode 9 of Season 1, "Leave Me Alone," Hannah and Marnie get into a fight that has been building for quite some time. The two girls both have pent up resentments and judgements that leave them at a crossroads and they decide that they no longer want to live together. This scene brought me back to a time in my 20's when my BFF and I were living together in NYC and reached a similar crossroads. Life in your 20's is challenging. You are trying to define who you are, what you want for your life, who you are meant to be with and how you are going to bring this picture that you have created in your mind to life. It truly is a time of real self-discovery, however, you don't really have all the tools to do it in a productive and healthy way.  The person that I was then would have totally benefited from the person I am now. But I guess that's life. You are presented with your life lessons at particular times for a definite reason. And while there was a time that my BFF and I had to make a choice about the direction of both of our lives, it was the road we were meant to travel...as individuals and as friends. Because that road brought us both to where we are now, which is a friendship and a bond that has never been tighter. We've been friends for 30 years and the history that we share continues to support the future that we are creating for ourselves. I wanna take this moment to thank her for all her love and support through the years, for the laughter and the tears, and for always being a person I could count on....love ya D!

Let There Be Light

There have been a lot of things that have happened recently that have lead me to think about light, in all aspects of the word...natural light, light in the sense of how you feel and of course light as electricity! I don't know about you, but I am one who definitely believes in Seasonal affective disorder (google it...it's a real thing)! When those winter months roll around and the days become short and the nights become long, I miss those hours of sunshine. Think about how you feel on a beautiful sunny day vs. how you feel on a grey, cloud day? There is no doubt about it, sunshine makes you happy! So the next time you feel like your day isn't going exactly as planned or you are just having a blah kind of day, stop and take in some sun. The Vitamin D will do ya good!

Now as for light in terms of how we feel....and I'm not talking numbers on a scale here (in fact, I have never owned a scale in my life). What do you do or who do you surround yourself with that just makes you feel "light?" Yoga is it for me. No matter what the circumstances are on a given day, yoga is the place where I can leave everything behind and physically and mentally feel light again! The studio (Baker Street Yoga :)) is my place of peace, my place of calm and mostly my place of reflection. I walk out of there totally reminded of who I am and who I want to become. It's like magic! Although I have to say, I'm still working on my headstand feeling "light.":)

Finally, I know we have all thought a lot about light....electricity light...in the past couple of months. Sandy left many of us without power for weeks, but even worse, left many people without a home. In those days that followed quite a scary and unexpected storm, I obviously spent a lot of time at home with my family (we were trapped here for days).  During that time, I thought about how it is so easy to get wrapped up in your own bubble....what's happening in my house, on my street, in my town....when in reality, there were so many bigger things happening to others. Yes we lost power for 12 days, but we still had each other, our amazing home and thanks to me a generator that kept things running as long as we could find gas! So continuing with my theme from last week...remind yourself to be grateful for what you have...and to remember those who aren't as lucky or fortunate still months later.

Ending on a lighter note, I wanted to share my recent obsession with lamps. It wasn't until recently that I really understood the value of non overhead lighting. From a decorative point of view, they can add height, color or just that little extra something to a room. I recently purchased an amazing orange lamp for my new family room and two incredible lamps for my bedroom...love them all! I look forward to lounging on the couch at the end of the day, turning on my lamp (that gives just the right amount of light) and chilling....You should buy a lamp too and see how it changes the vibe of any room in your house.

to new beginnings...

So it’s been months that I’ve been thinking about starting my blogging journey and what better time to take the plunge than the new year! While I can see the perspective of the cynics out there who laugh at resolutions as fleeting thoughts that enter your mind on January 1st and leave January 2nd, I also like to believe that January 1st is truly a clean slate for everyone... a time to reflect on the year past, the things we would like to change about ourselves, the moments we celebrated and cherished, or perhaps how we have grown as individuals. To me, January 1st symbolizes a “reset” button. It’s easy to think about or list the things we want to accomplish, but it’s quite another to take on the challenge of committing to these things twelve months of the year. On that note, I'd like to reflect on 2012 before thinking about 2013. Having just experienced the holiday season, and of course the tragedy in Newtown, CT, gratitude comes to mind.

I was walking through Maplewood Village just before Thanksgiving and noticed graffiti on a lot of the store front windows...friendly and organized graffiti of course! Many of the store owners agreed to be part of a project where people were invited to use washable marker to write on their storefront windows what they are thankful for. This warmed my heart and brought a smile to my face. I was immediately drawn to reading what everyone wrote. My own wheels started spinning of course and I began to think about what I was thankful for. If forced to write just one thing down, what would I say in that moment in time? The first thing that popped into my head was, “I am so grateful for Greg.” My husband has been such an incredible support in what has been not such an easy time in our lives. I am constantly telling my friends that I don’t know where I would be without him. The next thing that came to mind was that perhaps I should tell him this more often. But sometimes life gets hectic, there isn’t enough time in the day and before you know it you have forgotten to do the one thing that is more important than the millions of other things you have done that day. 

So...Greg, I am so grateful for you. Thanks for being you and for sharing your life with me. Our journey continues....

I’m beginning 2013 by checking one thing off my list....creating my blog “Everything on Everything.” The inspiration for the name of my blog comes from a fun night spent with best friends, pretzels and ice cream but translates a little differently to you in the cyber universe. Everything on Everything will be exactly that, my thoughts on varying subjects that have been a part of my life experiences as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, teacher, yogi and just straight up human being. These experiences have brought me to a point in my life where I think intensely about my purpose on this earth and the journey that lies ahead.

Here in my first entry of Everything on Everything I am gonna take a moment to list my hopes and dreams for 2013!

• Start juicing for my kids (and me!)
• Go to yoga 2-3 times a week
• Read Journey to the Heart daily
• Worry less and breathe more
• Be present in moments with my kids and leave technology behind
• Remember quality over quantity
• Decorate. Organize. Decorate some more
• Take Zoe on longer walks
• Remind myself how lucky I am and tell those I love (Greg) that they are the reason why
• Surround myself with people that remind me who I want to be
• Learn to cook at least 3 good meals
• Cherish bedtime books with my kids